Hey Guys and Dolls! Did ya miss me? Yeah, I missed the hell outta y’all too…but SHIT happens in our lives causing havoc and mayhem. Yeah, believe it…even Auntie Helmut can have a doggy doo month.
So…here we go…ready for your totally pooped out horoscope for this month? Yeah, I knew you were. Sit yer butt on the crapper….I’m ready to give you some advice for the month…
ARIES:
Sweetie, it matters not if you are in a relationship or not, this month you got some damn lusty feelings, and believe it when I tell ya, you’re putting out some strong hormonal scents that will lure the opposite sex right to your bike…and you. What’s gonna happen is you’ll find yerself consumed by the fire of this stupid fixation. Watch it kids, keep yer pants buttoned up, yer thongs between yer crack…cuz if you don’t yer gonna find yerself alone. Keep yer hands in yer pockets, yer sexy thoughts in yer bedroom, and yer mouth shut. There are folks out here ready to mess you up.
If there’s anyone who who doesn’t live by the rules it’s you. Be careful, Darlin…
TAURUS:
Jimminy Crickets Son, your sign doesn’t need much encouragement to get into trouble with others. And while I don’t believe what the stars are telling me, I have to report that this month finds you as overwhelmingly generous. Yeah…giving the shirt off yer back to yer brothers and sisters of the wind…keep yer cut in hand though. This month will see you in trouble if your not watchin’ yer back. Check yerself before you automatically defend yer actions this month. It’s entirely possible for you to come off among yer brothers and sisters as cocky…so watch it. The stars say around the 16th, 17th and 18th you will be sharply focused on yer relationships. A Torus is typically not the kind of person to piss off, I’m tellin ya, your gonna have to defend a person you love this month, so be ready. You don’t do authority very well, but pick and choose yer yoke and collar…You don’t wanna pay the price this month for goin off half cocked. Why waste your hard earned reputation if you don’t have to.
GEMINI:
You Gemini’s are in for a treat this month. Yeah, you’re gonna get involved in some of the best conversations you’ve ever had! You guys are natural speakers, and I see y’all talking to some crowds this month.
You guys are good at over thinking and naturally complicating the stuff going on around ya, you’ll be checking out all the tiny details and fine print, so be sure to be available to your wind brothers and sisters for helpin’ them with some contractual details before they get stupid and screw themselves. Hey, around the 19th and 20th be sure to have your friends close…your enemies closer. Yer not paranoid, folks really are talking bad shit about you, nip that stuff in the bud before yer having to wipe the floor with someones smile.
Don’t be predictable. This month is a good one for ya, just keep yer eyes open and yer ears close to the ground.
CANCER:
Quit daydreaming. Get off yer ass and make the change you’ve been promising yerself. Daydreaming is a waste of time. It don’t give ya the live ya want, it only makes you a whiner. If all you do is think about change all day, you’ll never make any. Action is required. You got brothers who’ve heard all about the stuff you dream about, they are tired of listening to ya. Do something to make it REAL! Now get on your bike and ride!
LEO:
The signs say you’re in a new situation these days. Is it good or is it bad? How the hell do I know? It’s up to you to make the situations run concurrent to the good energy inside you. If ya think negative, ya get negative. Get yer head outta yer ass and get some fresh air. It’s a ride you need. Not to the grocery store, but a good 300 miler…through the back roads of your state, into the next state too. If ya don’t do it…you suck.
VIRGO:
For real, you people are folks who thrive on the routine of life. BORING! Dig deep, drag out that little used sense of adventure and climb on that motorsickle and ride. Good GOD, do ya really need Auntie Helmut to tell y’all to get off yer collective asses and get a biker life? Be on the look out though for the kind of ass-hat who gets their fun from messing with yer docile self, stay back from the domineering figures in your general area and stand yer ground. Don’t let anyone drive ya back from a right standing biker life. Mind your p’s and q’s…. biker protocol is generous and honorable. Don’t be late for meetings, and demand the same respect you give out. PROTOCOL…. use it, or get yer ass whipped.
That is all.
LIBRA:
You’re one hell of a social butterfly this month, and from what the stars are telling me, the solo life is NOT for you. But ya gotta do more with yerself. I mean just cuz you got up in the morning and changed outta your tighty whities…. humpf… there’s more to this “social” thing than waking up alive.
Be careful of you other character flaws this month too, the folks you surround yerself with are up to their necks with their own crap…keep yer problems to yerself this month, wear yer big boy pants….
Oh and we know how you like to hear those badly off color jokes, that’s cool…just don’t get too colorful in the telling…ya understand?
You’ll be going to bed with smiles all around you this month…yup, seems the stars see ya as fairly successful at the dating game.
One last thing, use common sense when around other folk in crowds toward the end of the month! PEOPLE ARE OUT FOR YA….
SCORPIO:
As usual, you scorp’s are a hard and mean bunch. Look out, the tension between you and someone you care about is gonna be sharp as a knife. Don’t mess round and be careless with others during the 1st few days of this month. It’s seems you’re in deep water cuz you keep sniffing round people ya can’t, or shouldn’t have. Best to leave the lovin’ of the “off limits” folk…to someone else, cuz you’re gonna be in some deep poo if ya don’t. Hey…you got a vivid imagination when it comes to whackin off…so use that and loads of KY jelly…it’s better than a trip to the ER for messin’ where you oughtta not be messin’!
Lastly, don’t worry that ya don’t know what yer doing…yer a natural in the salt mines…you’ll get er dun…. and at the end of the month, you’ll come out alive…
Sagittarius:
Man, you Sagittarius critters are gonna have the inclination to be lazy this month. Don’t fall for it. Good God! Pull yer hands outta yer pants, get off the couch and get out of the house. Head for the air conditioned garage, get a micro-fiber cloth out and start dustin’ that iron of yours. Once ya get that done, then roll ‘er outta the garage and onto the roadsways…yer a damn biker! Act like one and ride! No sniveling about the summer heat, ride to a lake a couple hundred miles away, take yer sweetie with ya, go naked swimmin’ at the water hole…
GET OUT AND RIDE…ain’t no one gonna show you how…do ya need them too? Sheesh… Don’t wuss out on yer fun this month. Get off the couch and fricken ride.
CAPRICORN:
OK Cappies, this month is one of those months where most of the folks who know you are gonna be trying to rule you. You’re inclined to let it happen. DON’T. You’re so called obedience is for DOGS…and you ain’t no dog! Sure, we do try to go the extra mile for the guy in charge, but this month it’s time to stand on our hind legs and act like the men/women that we are! Facts are, some of the signs out here are tryin’ to beat ya out, take away yer edge! Are you kiddin’ me? Don’t let yer good nature become a rug! STEP UP! Defend your way of life, your honor, your family and yourself at all costs. Get into some Yoga, do it for yourself, cuz it’s a great way to even out the rough edges that us Cappies are prone to weld if we don’t find an outlet to use…be wary, you’re a fricken target out here.
It’s gonna be a great month for ya if y’all can remember to watch yer backs around the folks who call themselves “friend”…you know who those folks are. Hang tight with the real bros…with the family of riders you feel most comfortable with. It’s summer GET ON YOUR BIKE AND RIDE!
AQUARIUS:
The early part of the month is gonna be filled with learning opportunities. Make sure they are the good kind…NOT the pound yer ass into the ground kind. You do have the options to make good choices, but if ya simply follow yer instincts…well…hey, I warned ya!
DON”T FRICKEN GOSSIP! This month is gonna be really hard on ya not to, but if ya listen to me, you’ll find yerself in the better position of friendship, reliability and brotherhood. You got some good bros and sisters out here, don’t mess up and talk trash when ya should be listening…gathering…being the trusted friend. Try it. Some folks will owe you favors for it. It’s worth it. Besides…being a queen of drama really sucks…I think…I really wouldn’t know for sure…since I don’t do drama. You shouldn’t either.
PISCES:
What I’m about to tell y’all will seem like it’s comin’ out of left field, at least it does to me. But here goes.
Early in this month, yer gonna wanna be playing some kind of messed up stealth, espionage game with yerself. Ya damn sure better not bring that shit around yer bros and sisters! This strange actions of yours is gonna bring a big rift between you and yer ole lady or ole man. Yeah, that’s right…cuz you’re getting’ so busy tryin’ to be master “bator” of the biker world…your bro’s sister’s and the folks who love ya are gonna start plannin’ a beat down for ya. Get yer head outta yer ass soon.
Quit ignoring what’s at home. She/he needs you more than ever now. Pay attention and do yer homework. Or some will be doing it for you.
